Abbott & Costello in the Modern Era — An Update on “Who’s On First”

Abbott & Costello in their heyday.

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, “Who’s on First?”  might have turned out something like this …

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store.  Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks.  I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer.  I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why?  Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don’t know.  What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows.  I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No.  On the computer!  I need something I can use to write  proposals, track expenses, and run my business.  What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office.  Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows!  OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.  What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue ‘W’.

COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue ‘w’ if you don’t start with some straight answers.  What about financial bookkeeping?  You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That’s right.  What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes.  No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?  How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not?  THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store.  Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on “START” . . .

(c) 2004, 2009 by Tom King. Used by permission