The first of my Godchildren just turned 18, and I grappled with how to acknowledge this big moment in her life. What could I give her that would be long-lasting and meaningful? On my own 18th birthday, I was given an easel that I still enjoy using today. I tried to think of what else I would have found useful, and kept coming back to: life lessons. All the things I wish someone had told me then to save me the pain / embarrassment / trauma of learning them myself. I decided to write a list for my Goddaughter (and slip one of the UK’s new banknotes among the pages, since that’s a pretty momentous thing coinciding with her birthday).

As I wrote these lessons out, over and again I kept thinking “this is still a mantra I live by today”, or “hmmn, yes, I’m still working on this one”, or remembering a workplace moment where that lesson had been useful, or a colleague from whom that lesson had been leaned. I realized that much of the wisdom I was imparting had either come from my professional development, or had unlocked my career progress. This made me think perhaps there’s a Scholarly Kitchen post in this — for our early career readers, and maybe some of our longer-term readers too. So, here are my 18 suggestions as to how you might ease your passage through your career, and through your life.

1. Celebrate your own brilliance.

   When you feel good about yourself it gives you the grace to be generous and kind to others. A wise and wonderful woman colleague once advised me to keep a “praise” list of complementary things people say to you. I’ve since advised others to also keep a “go, me!” list of things you are proud of, or times you did something good for someone, however small. Don’t wait for other people to notice every good thing you do. Give yourself a quiet pat on the back on a regular basis.

   (This also reminded me of a fabulous quote from H.H. Munro, writing as Saki, which was on the back of a housewarming card I was sent: “If one hides one’s light under a bushel, one must be careful to point out the exact bushel under which it lies.”)

   

2. There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so (Hamlet).
   When I was 18 I was studying Hamlet. I loved this phrase then, and I still think it almost every day. I’m genuinely thinking of taking up cross-stitch and making myself a sampler of it. Every emotion, every feeling, every ache and pain, is all coming from our brains. And ultimately WE are in control of our brains. We CAN change how we react to things. We can CHOOSE to feel better, or to feel differently. Explore neuroplasticity.
3. Be a team player not a game player.
   Treat other people how you would like them to treat you. Be courteous and fair, and don’t get drawn into talking about people behind their backs. Avoid “negative solidarity” (building friendships based on complaining about things). You’ll be happier in life if you try to be positive. That doesn’t mean letting people push you around or get away with being mean to you — stand up for yourself when you need to.
4. This too shall pass (old Persian saying).
   However bad things feel, it will get better. It is by experiencing bad times that we can recognize and appreciate good times. What is clever about this expression is that it’s a comfort in bad times, but also a reminder to make the most of the good times, because they too will pass.
5. Don’t judge people on first impressions.
   Everyone is grappling with their insecurities and anxieties; everyone has bad days. Many of my greatest friends / favorite colleagues are people of whom I was initially a bit wary. Possibly the corollary here is more important. I have had some great ‘flash in the pan’ friendships with people I felt an immediate connection with – but it waned over time, as I discovered things about them I maybe liked a bit less. I’ve learned to keep my powder dry, be patient, and let people’s true colors emerge gradually.
   
6. “It’s not all about you.”
   When I was 18, I was in therapy. My counselor would patiently listen to my teenage angst about what it meant that someone had looked at me a certain way, or had not looked at me a certain way, or had said a certain thing, or not said a certain thing. And when I waffled to a stop she would pause and say gently, “It’s not all about you.” That is a very, very helpful phrase that I’ve kept with me. You are only the center of your own universe — no-one else’s. The decisions they make, the contributions they make in meetings, their party plans — are not all focused on you. That thing you think everyone is thinking about you? They’re not. That reception you are too tired to go to? No-one will notice. That pointed comment that person just made in that project update? Wasn’t pointed, wasn’t at you.
7. Don’t behave like you’re in a soap opera.
   My early relationships didn’t work because I couldn’t just be myself (I didn’t know who “myself” was, to be fair). I would act like a dramatic heroine (or, more specifically, like a character in EastEnders). It didn’t help. I think this advice is good for the workplace as well as for relationships. Flouncing is not productive and just puts people’s backs up. Try to be authentic. You don’t need to play a role. You don’t need to puff up or play small; you are good enough to just be yourself. Be honest with yourself about what you feel and why (which doesn’t mean you have to share all this with other people — just try to learn what your triggers are, how they make you feel, and how that can make you behave — so you can rethink that behavior if it is making your life hard). Know yourself and learn to manage yourself: take control of your emotions rather than letting them control you.
8. Don’t let past bad experiences stop you having good new ones.
   Remember that your feelings will be shaped by how things have happened before — but they may not happen that way again. Don’t pre-judge things especially if it’s a different situation with different people. Even you will be different as you gain more experience, perspective and confidence.
9. Take chances.
   Take risks. Sensible risks, calculated risks, but still risks. Sometimes you’ll feel nervous – that’s natural; courage and vulnerability are two sides of the same situation.
10. Don’t be afraid of looking like an idiot.
    Always ask the “stupid” questions. Other people will be glad someone did, and will probably thank you for it. Often your “failure to understand” is actually someone else’s “failure to communicate clearly”.
11. Don’t fall for the bad guys [or gals].
    You won’t be able to save them, you’ll just condemn yourself.  Don’t give your time, energy or love to anyone who puts you down or makes you feel bad. Keep moving. Your soul mate is out there. PS there might be more than one. Don’t give up if you find one and lose one. <– Scholarly Kitchen edit, not sure I have found the workplace relevance of this. Except you are quite likely to meet a partner at work, I suppose. (I did!)
12. Always be learning.
    It’s easy to be afraid of things that are unfamiliar — don’t let that fear make you push them away; don’t express that fear as anger. Try to approach new things with positivity. Always be ready to reconsider your opinions.
13. You don’t have to win every conversation.
    You don’t even have to participate in every conversation. Sometimes we’re so busy trying to get heard that we talk over other people. Sometimes we’re so busy trying to prove ourselves that we actually undermine our own credibility. I used to be in meetings where I felt like my role and contribution wasn’t being valued, so if I was given the floor I’d go into even more detail, argue my points even harder, say the same thing 3 times in different ways, generally try to make myself more important. I achieved the opposite, I realise in retrospect — pitching my contribution wrongly for the setting and making myself look like I didn’t get that. Later, I worked with someone else who often didn’t say much in meetings; he explained that he would only speak up if he felt he was adding value. I worked at having the confidence to adopt that approach and it’s been illuminating. Leaving space for others empowers them, and when I do pipe up, I’m saying something more interesting and getting a much better reaction.
14. Stand up for yourself and your values.
    If you don’t like how someone is behaving, towards you or towards someone else, say so. Call it out, graciously and calmly. You might not be *right*, of course (everyone has different boundaries), so don’t be sanctimonious about how you call it out. But feel free to say you are uncomfortable.
15. Have your own back.
    Make time for yourself; treat yourself as you would a good friend. If you are feeling bad, don’t beat yourself up — console yourself. If you are feeling guilty, ask whether you’re being too hard on yourself. You will occasionally so or say things that you regret, whether immediately, or later. Forgive yourself.
16. Make sure your life has balance.
    A little work, a little play; a little solitude, a little time with others. I’ve always been inclined to throw myself headlong into things, but I have burned out on occasion through over-commiting. The management of my first company were inveterate networkers who encouraged us to work every room, attend every drinks reception, every dinner. The management of my second company would say, you’ve given your all today — get room service and watch Friends, be ready to go again tomorrow. I now do a bit of both. Learn how far your social batteries last and give yourself time to recharge them.
17. It takes time to find your tribe.
    Friends from your younger days will always be a solid bedrock of shared experience. But some might wander and fall out of touch — don’t take it personally. They might need to shed old skins for a bit to find who they really are. And don’t worry if you move into a new phase of your life (slash, job) and don’t immediately find great (team)mates. You might be in your 20s or your 50s or your 80s when you “click” with someone new. The same is true of your “dream job”. You might fall into it straight away; it might take you a while to figure out what skills you enjoy exercising, what challenges you look forward to tackling, what topics you love discussing. If you don’t feel you’ve found your tribe yet, don’t give up.
18. Time really does fly.
    Be present and enjoy your life. Live your life / career in a way that you will be able to look back with pride and happiness.