Abbott & Costello in their heyday.

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, “Who’s on First?”  might have turned out something like this …

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store.  Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks.  I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.


COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer.  I want to buy one.


COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why?  Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don’t know.  What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows.  I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No.  On the computer!  I need something I can use to write  proposals, track expenses, and run my business.  What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office.  Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?


COSTELLO: For my office?


COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows!  OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.  What do I need?


COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue ‘W’.

COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue ‘w’ if you don’t start with some straight answers.  What about financial bookkeeping?  You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That’s right.  What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes.  No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?  How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?


(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store.  Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on “START” . . .

(c) 2004, 2009 by Tom King. Used by permission

Enhanced by Zemanta
Kent Anderson

Kent Anderson

Kent Anderson is the CEO of RedLink and RedLink Network, a past-President of SSP, and the founder of the Scholarly Kitchen. He has worked as Publisher at AAAS/Science, CEO/Publisher of JBJS, Inc., a publishing executive at the Massachusetts Medical Society, Publishing Director of the New England Journal of Medicine, and Director of Medical Journals at the American Academy of Pediatrics. Opinions on social media or blogs are his own.


3 Thoughts on "Abbott & Costello in the Modern Era — An Update on “Who’s On First”"

Ha ha. Next time Lou should get him to try iWork with Pages and Numbers.

The original version of this was written by me in 2004. It got loose and went viral and lost my byline. If you do a search you’ll find my byline on about half of the ones out there. Thanks for adding the byline. If anyone would like a copy of the final edit of the script, to use with a school group or drama group or something, please drop me a note on gmail ( and I’ll send you a printable PDF file with the proper credit notice.


Tom King – Tyler, TX

Comments are closed.